Our Scars by Alexandria Mathena

Author:Alexandria Mathena
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Alexandria Mathena
Published: 2022-04-27T00:00:00+00:00

These writings were made in the times I was upset. I typed everything onto this rinky-dinky school laptop, which sounds like it makes no sense, but I promise, it does. I was in leadership after the class Hunter and I shared our junior year. We had to do daily writing about our feelings about the day so far, things we could have done to create a more positive day, or countless other prompts our teacher wrote on the board. When I tried to write him notes I would shake so hard that my handwriting was no longer legible.

The point of a note is not to make someone feel bad but to let them know what needs to be said. I obviously was sad and rambled on for an unnecessary amount of time but after everything we went through together, I expected him to understand me enough not to judge too hard. The writing was and will forever remain my therapy. Writing my sadness or fears down made it temporarily fade away. Hunter knew this, he knew that whenever I would write poetry or short stories, I was upset and at a low point. Not the lowest but some of the bottom ones. When I branded myself with nails from my wall, I would become numb enough to write without feeling. That is how a large portion of my writings was formed because writing through the tears is next to impossible. Built-up anger and festered sadness captured in my mind kept me crazily numb.

Sadness forms inside me so easily, it honestly has my entire life. I blamed Hunter constantly in my mind for the sadness I felt which was horrible. It was horrible of me to place all my sadness on one guy that originally just wanted me happy. It wasn’t Hunter that caused me to be sad, it must have been in my own head. I caused myself so much pain and every time I would become present about multiplying the pain building inside of me, I pushed it onto Hunter. Making excuses of some random thing Hunter did and how that must have been what caused me to be sad. I put the weight of my unhappiness on his shoulders although all along it should have been on mine. He had his own sadness and after holding his for so long I refused to take any more of it from him. We were romantically in love with each other and for some reason, I blamed all our bad times on him. He could have been on the entirely opposite side of the world and if the volcano exploded causing my cat to die, I would somehow twist it into Hunter not being there to save my cat for me. I was a fucked-up person. I am a fucked-up person.

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